Category: Parenting 101

She has arrived! Our newest addition to the grandchildren line-up finally made her appearance after many hours of labor on her mother’s part. I thought for sure she was going to be a ‘he’ and I was a bit surprised when her daddy announced that she was a ‘she’. That’s alright with me! I’m partial to girls after having four of my own. But you all do need to work on upping the male side of things in our family. We love grandchildren! Welcome to the world little Ava Leigh! We are all looking forward to getting to know you!

This is probably a term most people would not have used for married people a generation ago. I certainly do not remember it while I was growing up. Date night was for those young people spending an afternoon getting ready to go out that evening, with someone very special, and you wanted to look your best.

I want to take a different spin on this…get away from the books telling you how awful you are if you don’t do this for your marriage once a week. Honestly, life is difficult enough…why are we reading books that put more pressure and guilt on us about the way we should parent, run our marriage or just generally live our lives? Let’s just apply some good old common sense for a bit.

When we marry and decide to spend the rest of our lives with one person…we are making a HUGE commitment. When we add children, whether one, two or twenty to the relationship…we take on more responsibility. People used to understand that. They realized their lives were going to change and you would not have all that you had when you were foot-loose and fancy free…mainly freedom. To do whatever you wanted, whenever you wanted with whomever you wanted.

So now you are married, with ‘blank’ number of children. This IS your life, and in most instances, it is what YOU decided to do. So make the best of it and be happy! Yes, you CAN and SHOULD do this!

Now, before you ‘unfollow’ me or hit ‘unlike’ or even tell me I’m nuts…please hear me out. I am not saying you should never go out or go away with your spouse. I am not saying you are tied to your children 24/7. But really, quit EXPECTING this is your RIGHT. Again, YOU made the decision to get married and have children, now make a life for you and your family that is liveable, enjoyable and fun.

Now, some solutions to this. I had five children, and my husband drove over-the-road for many years. Until our oldest daughter was a teenager, there was no leaving. Because of that, I learned to live my life in certain ways.

A married couple DOES need time to themselves. If you prefer to call it ‘date night’ make it happen. If you need it once a week, once a month, etc., make it happen. I put my children to bed early, around seven p.m. I was always guaranteed a few hours in the evening to do what I wanted without caring for children. Yes, parents DO NEED this little break each day to get ready for the next day. Spend this time with your spouse and make it special. Make your bedroom special…not the congregating place for the family, if at all possible. Congregate in THEIR bedrooms. Plan a special meal, eat slowly and talk. Pop some popcorn and watch a movie. Make that person a priority in your life, make them special. And you can do this without leaving your house.

Again, I am not trying to give anyone a hard time. But each of us needs to remember that we are able, and should, decide what our lives are going to be within the boundaries of the decisions we have made. Don’t run from them…embrace them and make them enjoyable. This post is for me as well. To encourage, build up and give the freedom to make your life what you want it to be. Love the people that you have chosen to spend your life with, be thankful for what you have. There is only one ‘go-around’ at life. Experience it to the fullest in the best way possible. Now, go out and have a FANTASTIC day!

Precious memories…how they linger, how they ever flood my soul. In the stillness…

These lines are from a beautiful song and I have singing on my mind today. For a very short time, four of our children and I had a singing group and we were very privileged to be asked to sing for a couple Valentine Banquets and a Christmas program for our local thrift store. We also did a concert for our local nursing home and went to many jam sessions in our small town and another not too far away. These were good times and I have many very special and precious memories from those days.

Children left for school and were married, so the ‘group’ was no more. Our son and daughter were both part of the hand bells and choir at the Bible college they attended. They learned far more there than I could have ever taught them and they have beautiful voices today from that training.

But there is something very special about the Carter Family tunes, Bluegrass and Johnny Cash. Back in my teens and early twenties, if someone would have told me I would love Bluegrass someday, I would have said they were crazy! But things change. And that’s good.

Here, I’m going to share us practicing in our kitchen. We are singing a Carter Family tune called, Anchored in Love. Please forgive the not-so-good recording and our very amateur performance. We already knew we probably wouldn’t take the act on the road! Phones can only do so much and of course lighting is not the best either.

Any of you Andy Griffith fans will remember this one. The Dillards did a fantastic job playing the Darling family on the show. The Dillards wrote and performed, There Is a Time.

Another favorite of ours, and probably mine more than anyone else was Whispering Pines. Johnny Horton sang this one.  He had many wonderful songs.

Our youngest did a great job when she was younger. She loved to get up in front of people and sing. Now she is a little more shy. Here she is going through a song before the concert.

So, sharing a few precious memories on a cold, Wednesday. I would like to thank our children for being part of them. I know practicing wasn’t always fun and sometimes just down right a pain. But I think we have a lot to be thankful for…a blessed few years that many never get to experience. Time spent together  sharing the talents God gave. I will always look back on those days with fondness.

Every day I seem to learn something new. I don’t know if it’s because I’m older now and I’m willing to listen and learn or if I really just wasn’t very tuned into what was going on around me. Whatever the case, I love to learn new things.

While I was using Facebook this morning, I saw the term ‘rainbow baby’. Of course the very first thing that came to mind was a baby painted with rainbow stripes. As I’ve said before, I’m very visual and sensory oriented. I thought a rainbow-painted baby would be strange, but maybe cute for photographs. I’ve always loved those pictures taken with a baby in the middle of a flower, by Anne Geddes. Here is one of hers:

Many of you may already know this, but a ‘rainbow baby’ is a baby that is born after a miscarriage, stillbirth or death of a child. I didn’t know there was a term for it. The term is to portray the happiness or ‘rainbow’ after a stormy time.

Our youngest of six, is our ‘rainbow baby’. Between our fourth and fifth child, I had a miscarriage at ten weeks. My husband was driving over-the-road at the time. He was thrilled about a new baby, me…a little hesitant. We already had four children and I was getting older, heading to forty. Just a little scary. The pregnancy was very different than all the rest. No morning sickness, or I should say all day for the first couple of months. I was tired, but felt very well over all. Again, not like the previous four pregnancies.

Just as I was beginning to accept the idea, knowing that I could handle it, and even getting excited about a new baby, I had the miscarriage. This was a complete shock to me more than anything. After four children, it was not expected. I know it never is, but after four, I just wasn’t thinking of it being a possibility. I was in denial for a couple of weeks, thinking it had all been a mistake, that there really would be a baby born that August of 2003.

In January of 2004, after moving back east, settling our children in school and getting a full-time job, I was pregnant once again. So many emotions were involved this time that hadn’t even been there before! I had decided to change our entire lives with a move, new job and children in school after I had been homeschooling. Needless to say, we were all a little shell-shocked. My husband was also working locally after driving for so many years. When I knew I was pregnant, I was not happy and I was even closer to being forty. After having a previous miscarriage, I didn’t even really accept the pregnancy for a few weeks, knowing that it would end in the same, devastating scenario.

Then came the morning sickness, lasting all day for the regular, (for me) four months. I was so sick and exhausted that the job was stopped. I had older children that were not happy with me ‘ruining’ their lives with another baby. Now don’t misunderstand, our family LOVES children, but when you are seventeen, this is not what you want your parents doing. My husband and second oldest were absolutely thrilled and all I could do was survive and wait for the miscarriage to happen.

When I saw ‘rainbow baby’ today, I knew that was a very appropriate name for our youngest. She arrived in September of 2004 and she was greatly anticipated and loved. She was born just two months shy of my fortieth birthday and one month before we celebrated our twentieth anniversary. That will always be remembered in our family. After the despair and feelings of loss, our youngest was a balm to my soul and helped to heal the hurt in our family. Our fifth child will always be missed. I will always wonder if the baby was a boy or girl and what they would have looked like now, at age twelve. The knowledge that I  will meet him or her someday is a comfort to me. No, I don’t understand why the miscarriage happened. So many things in this life are difficult to understand and don’t make sense. But God knows, and I have faith in that.

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Life rushes by. We learn to walk as toddlers, skip through our teenage years, run through our young adulthood and now it’s galloping, me holding the reins for dear life. Anyone that has been on a run-away horse knows the feeling well. I want the horse to stop, (slowly of course and not dump me on the ground.)  I want to sit under a huge tree, munching an apple, the sun filtering down through the leaves, a breeze caressing my face and setting the grass around me to a nice sway. I want to lean against that tree, the rough bark gently scratching my back and I want to sit there…for a long time. Then I would replay all the wonderful moments of my life in slow motion, savoring the memories of them, the emotions that assailed me at the time. I would take each one and stroke it gently, holding it close to my heart and locking it there for the years ahead.

My early, growing-up years with my family, my grandfather whistling as he worked. The first time I saw my now-husband walking into church. Our wedding day, him standing so slim and tall at the front of the church…so handsome. The birth of each of our five children. That moment when you meet them for the first time…and your heart, just melts. Our times as a family at Silver Dollar City. The weddings of our two oldest daughters and the births of our three grandchildren. So many other memories as well, but those are the REALLY special ones that always come to mind.

I want to relive them…see them in full, vibrant color. Breathe deeply of each memories’ unique aroma. And I want to experience the rush of each excited heartbeat and little shiver down my spine, the warmth of knowing…you are loved.

Because this time…I would appreciate those memories, I would savor them and slow down, experiencing, reveling, wallowing in each emotion. Okay, probably not, but it would be fun to have a shot at it.

I wrote all of the above to say that I missed our second oldest daughter’s FIRST wedding anniversary. Yes, the first one! I planned for what I wanted to do and thought about it for the week leading up to it…and then I forgot all about it. It was a Sunday after all. Being a pastor’s wife gives me an excuse…right? Wrong!

So, Jon and Courtney, Happy First Anniversary! Know that you are both loved and not forgotten. But I’m riding that runaway horse and looking for the softest mound of dirt to land on. I pray for you a better second year of marriage. We have all been there. The first year is wonderful because you are together…finally. But the first year is a challenge because…you are together. I pray for you a marriage that is built on a strong foundation, each layer laid carefully and thoughtfully. I pray for you a marriage that blends your two worlds as it grows and flourishes. I pray for many wonderful memories. Savor each and every one! I love you both! xoxo

Have you ever driven down an interstate, swerving over white lines and rumble strips? Scraping the car next to you and bumping the one in front? How about pushing a grocery cart down a fully stocked aisle, crashing into shelves? Or decided to use your neighbor’s swimming pool because it was a hot day and you didn’t have one? These are rather silly scenarios to make a point.

Boundaries are not the enemy, they’re our friends and children need to understand this at an early age. It makes for happy parents and happy children. Think how frustrated you feel when you walk into a situation and you don’t know the rules or ‘boundaries’. If you spent your day everyday in this type of setting, you’d be throwing temper tantrums as well!

Children of all ages structure their security by their boundaries or what is expected of them. They know the rules. No rules or boundaries, frustration sets in. Babies cry, toddlers throw tantrums, older children nag, scream, fight, and teenagers tell their parents to take a hike and do whatever they want. No, I’m not a professional in the strictest sense of the word, but I’ve had five children and I’m sharing what I’ve observed and lived over the years. Boundaries make happy children…really.

As I’ve shared with my daughter many times over the almost six years of her parenting life, the best way to establish boundaries, especially in younger children is to be consistent. As a parent, don’t establish, say or threaten ANYTHING that you won’t be willing to adhere to. Then, SAY it once and ACT the second time. It won’t take much time to establish the boundaries if you as the parent stick by this religiously. Example: as soon as a child is born, have a routine and stick with it as best as you can. Yes, you have to be more flexible with babies, you have to learn to communicate with them. But they are extremely smart little individuals and they will know your weakness very quickly. Have getting up,nap, play, eating and going to bed routines. If you stick with this most days, your children will know the boundaries at a very early age. They will become frustrated when that routine doesn’t happen. They will be secure in their little life and understand that mommy/daddy love them when they know what is expected of them. As children grow up, adjust the routine, but still have one.

How many times have you been shopping and seen the child wanting something? It can be toys, candy while checking out, clothing when they’re older. The parent says maybe or no, the child asks again and again and the parent starts to doubt the answer they gave. The child senses this and goes in for the kill. The nagging and begging starts and can accelerate into tantrums if not addressed. Many years ago I witnessed a five or six year old child kicking and screaming on the floor at the checkout because they still wanted the cereal I saw the mother tell the child ‘no’ to several aisles before. Guess what? The mother went and got the cereal and threw it into the cart saying, “Will you stop asking now?” Only until the next time the child wants something they can’t have.

The scenarios I gave above were pretty over the top. But I guarantee you, they’ve happened at some point in time. Usually in those situations the law will be called in before someone gets hurt. When you drive on the interstate, you stay within the lines. Those are your boundaries. When pushing a shopping cart, you don’t bang into the shelves. On a hot day, you don’t swim in your neighbor’s pool unless they invite you. So, teaching your children the boundaries at an early age will make for a happy life…really.